Morning routine

I’m slowly figuring out how to have manhattan in my life while working in Long Island and living in dear Brooklyn. It’s been interesting. And by interesting I mean I have been actively grieving the loss of the city daily. This has led to fits of mental hysteria, answers and ideas to fix the situation ranging from quitting my job and traveling the world (ok, maybe that has to do with commitment issues more than anything), moving into the city immediately, finding the person of my dreams who happens to own a loft in SOHO (that fantasy has probably always been there) and finally, shelling out another $130 a month in transportation costs so I can easily go back and forth.

The last option is the most reasonable. It’s not even hysterical. Just expensive. All in all, I still spend less than I would if I had a car, and my body remains my form of transportation, which is key.

The point being, change is hard and I effing love manhattan. It’s funny. This is not a cool thing currently. It’s I finitely cooler than Long Island. But folks this days are so into Brooklyn. You’d think I had betrayed the early thirties posse by dreaming of manhattan.

But who cares about cool. I moved here for the city. Period. Early career moves are about dues paying. And I am dumping my chips in the bank that will one day love me into the city with a commute that only consists of walking. No subway even. I want that option.

In the meantime, viva la Long Island Railroad.

To begin again

Alright. Here we go. Gettin’ back on the horse.

Monday number two of new job. New job equaling permanent position. No year long commitment, no set graduation date, no sense of how long this era will last.

I’m not one to have a crazy travel bug, but let me tell you, this week I’ve imagine moving and it adventuring to Ireland, Paris, Switzerland (they have a palliative care fellowship there), the bay (I mean, obviously, permanent job means it is time to move home immediately), LA, escalen (my hippy nature is dying here and must be revived with a month long intensive in somatic body work). I’ve imagined all the careers I could have choosen- the ones that make more money, are mote FUN, young, creative, social, cool.

I’ve essentially spent a week indulging in not right now, not the here and now, not my daily life.

This created a crap storm of emotional distress. Woah. Wanna freak yourself out? Let your mind revel and tailspin in all the things that aren’t right now.

It’s kind of like snuggling up to this cactus. It’s a pretty plant, but you don’t want it as your cuddle buddy.

So, I spent my Sunday gathering myself. Harnessing the tools I have to keep me here now, the tools the tender attend to my life admit is today. Who the heck knows what’s gonna happen. Permanent job? No end of this era? Come on. I’m at least a little wiser than that.

It’s humbling to get smacked around by … My mind. That thing can really run rampant and like a bull in a china shop, make a mess of my experience! Trying to make permanent states out of things that will naturally evolve.

So, today we will be working with today.

Happy Monday.

instant relax

As Bay Area girls, there is nothing like rolling hills and a little fog to set in a perfect, middle of the day respite session. So, here is to a Tuesday afternoon deep breath. As the NYC hospital hustle starts to infiltrate it’s way back into my body – and the miles on concrete into my feet and calves – it does a girl right to think about the wet foggy air, dirt packed hiking, and endless sight seeing, view taking spots that our homeland provides.

Thank god for magic! power of our imaginations, so able to sweep us up for a moment, leaving us in the perfect spot. I’m okay with a little fantasy today.

Hi.

Well, hello.

I know, it’s been a minute. But for now, I’m back, with a new resolution to visit this little internet place of sharing a bit more often. The past few months have been one heck of a birth canal (literally, the frequency of birthing babies dreams was out of control) and I find myself sitting at my desk, post vacation, more present and grounded than I have felt in some time.

This was no usual trip to the Bay. No daily circles through SF-OAK-Marin. No excessive bridge tolls, gas costs, multiple dates a day. Instead  this trip involved a lot of respite, few plans, a bit of anxiety about disappointing people, and ultimately, my own ability to let go of what I think I should be doing when I am home.

I rested. I ate more steak than I have in a year. I layed in the sun. And, I let myself be in the place that I try to avoid missing.

For the first time since I moved, I asked myself why I don’t live in the bay area. I mean, that place is heaven, and minus a few people in NYC and a certain someone in Seattle, my people are there. It was nice to tap into the place I love. To slow down enough to ask some questions about what I want and what the plans, er really dreams are, over the next few years.

A theme that wove itself through many a conversation was the moments in our lives that show up and invite us to new places in ourselves. Sometimes we miss the moments. Sometimes, if we are so very lucky, they find us, with our eyes open and hearts a beating for an adventure, and we step through a threshold. This can be towards a smaller thing – simple changes in food or exercise or other habits that keep us feeling good. Or, they can be a bigger thing – like clarity about our roles, work, loves.

A door opened up on this trip. And, I am happily dancing through the threshold.

More on this soon.

Report from the road

Things are well in New Orleans. Day 1 of the conference down. My poster presentation went well and I was able to have a number of interesting conversations about my work and endless opportunities for networking. I started the day listening to my teacher and mentor at BI receive a lifetime a achievement award and wrapped it up eating BBQ with some of my favorite professors and peers from NYU. Being here will end up being a really good thing… It already has.

It’s hard for me to imagine that I am just making my way to re year mark of graduating. Often while talking, I have to remind myself and humble myself to the fact that I am so young in my career. Something about my passions and my height allows me to deliver information with NIH more authority than is warranted by my short time in the world (rap in the face of folks who STARTED the field). So, while I eat humble pie before jumping into bed, I also feel, as per usual, just so blown away and fortunate that the world of work has opened to me in this way. And that I have had the capacity and commitment to walk through the doors.